The Courage to Continue
by Ginger S
Summary: Missing scene from the pilot movie. Sometimes we are faced with crippling tragedy that we have to find the courage to overcome.


**The Courage to Continue**

**By GCS**

_Emergency belongs to Universal and Mark VII._

Rage consumed every ounce of energy he had. His hands shook with it, his heart beat in time with the anger coursing through his veins. His eyebrow twitched with an irritating nervousness. His breath came in pants leaving him a bit light headed. Why? It just wasn't right. With all the training he'd had; the fact that he was top of his class, it should never have happened. He should never have lost that patient.

He rubbed his hand where he'd hit it; the soreness only adding to his discomfort. His mind drifted to the woman and child nearly collapsing in the lobby at the loss. That poor child who would never know the love her father would have shown her as she grew into an adult, the father who would have watched as she graduated high school; then college and placed her hand in her intended's after walking her down the aisle at her wedding. It was so senseless. He'd been working like he had every day his whole adult life. That's all. Just working, when he was jolted with enough electricity to stop his heart; to end the life his wife and daughter needed him to continue living.

His sore hand slammed again, this time against the wall leaving a gaping hole where his fist connected with the sheetrock. He pulled it back and shook the stinging away. Blood trickled from the knuckles onto his dark pants; he didn't care. Sinking into the chair he lowered his dark head into his hands; his elbows resting on his knees. He didn't know how long he sat like that before someone interrupted his dark thoughts of resignation. He didn't respond to the knocking. He hoped they would go away and leave him to his somber solitude.

They knocked again, but this time the door opened a crack. "Kel?" Dixie McCall called his name with a questioning tone. She didn't wait for an invitation to come in. She slipped in and crossed to the man slumped in the chair behind the large desk. His office was lined with framed certificates pronouncing his completion of his medical degrees, from the likes of Johns Hopkins, that earned him his position over the ER at Rampart General Hospital and esteemed him as one of the best in his field, but none of it mattered now. Right now what mattered was the man in front of her who needed consoling. Dixie saw the blood that had dried leaving trails down his hand. She'd see to that later since the bleeding had stopped. She'd have Joe order an x-ray to be safe. She reached out hesitating only for a second before brushing her hand across the thick dark hair she loved so much. "Don't do this."

Dr. Kelly Brackett had fallen hard for the ER nurse years ago. He knew she cared deeply for him as well, but she also had a loyalty to the rescue men that worked out of Rampart. Instead of coming with him when he needed her strength, she'd stayed behind to console that young hose jockey. For that he was jealous. He had to know that was part of the problem with their sometimes rocky relationship. They were both head strong and passionate for their jobs and their opinions. Dixie was all for the new program that had been introduced at Harbor General training Fire Department Rescue Men to become Paramedics; teaching them to play doctor in the field. He knew she stayed behind to encourage the young man in case he might be thinking about taking the course; about becoming a Paramedic which was a waste of time since the bill making it legal would never pass. He was hurt and angry not only about the man's passing, but also about her thinking he was so strong that he would just walk away like it had never happened. What he didn't know was that she had stayed to talk to Johnny Gage to tell him that he was a great doctor, one of the best, and that if he couldn't save the patient, the man could not be saved. He didn't know about how she'd looked for him in the lounge, in the cafeteria; even the chapel. What he didn't know was that she knew how hurt he was. She knew this loss had hit him hard. He stiffened when she touched him. He didn't mean to upset her, but his emotions were so raw that he wasn't thinking clearly.

Dixie pulled her hand away and dropped it at her side; her chin falling to her chest. She breathed a soft sigh. She adored Kelly Brackett, but sometimes his self imposed barriers were just too hard to break down. "You did all you could. You know that." She paused, waiting for some kind of response. When she didn't get any she continued on. "His heart was too damaged. No one could have helped him. There was no hope of survival."

Kel dropped his hands to his lap and looked up at Dixie. "You don't know that." He said with a gravelly voice. "You're just a nurse." He flinched at his own words as they left his lips. Dixie was one of the best nurses he'd ever worked with. She always interpreted his every need even before he voiced them. His words were unfair and meant to be hurtful.

Dixie looked at him with piercing eyes. "I may be just a nurse, Dr. Brackett, but some things even nurses know." She glared at him for a few seconds before turning on her heel to leave.

"Dixie…I…" He started. He knew he owed her an apology.

"Yes, Dr. Brackett?" She asked him coldly.

Kel lowered his gaze to his bloody hand. He wasn't ready to move on from the loss yet. He hated the hurt he'd thrown at Dixie. If only she'd left him alone. When he looked up again the nurse was gone. He sighed and got up from the desk moving to the small private bath in his office. He knew it would sting when he washed the crusted blood from his knuckles; he wanted it to. That alone would remind him that he was alive, and that he had to move on. He had patients that needed him. He needed to find Dixie.

When he stepped into the small room he avoided looking in the mirror over the sink. He reached for the hot water knob and twisted it; sliding his fingers through the water to test it before putting his injured hand beneath the stream. He twisted the cold water knob just a little to cut the heat a bit, and then he slid his blood crusted knuckles beneath the water, gritting his teeth at the sting as he cleaned away the dried blood. Without meaning too he caught his reflection in the mirror and grimaced at his appearance. His face looked pale, and his eyes looked strained. The headache that had descended upon him caused his eyes to squint. He looked like hell. He dipped his hands into the running water and cupped them allowing the water to pool in his palms before splashing it on his face. How had he let himself get so out of control?

Turning he grabbed a towel from the rack, dried his face and patted his knuckles which were bleeding again. Before he could find Dixie and make amends he needed to wrap his hand. He threw the towel on the desk and headed to find an empty treatment room. When he emerged from his office he almost ran head on with Dr. Joe Early. "Whoa. Excuse me Joe."

Joe chuckled, "Where's the fire?" Kel blanched at the innocent reference. His anger almost resurfacing, but he tamped it back down. "Dixie said I might need to look at your hand." He reached for the one stained with blood. "What happened?"

Kel allowed his colleague to examine his hand. "I…um, I bumped it."

Joe looked up at him knowingly, "Bumped it a bit hard didn't you?" He chuckled again. "Come on. I'll get it cleaned up and bandaged while we wait for x-ray."

"I don't need an x-ray. It isn't broken. It's just bruised a little." He protested as he followed Joe to a treatment room.

"Bruised enough to break the skin is not bruised a little, Kel. Have a seat." Joe waved toward the treatment table. Kel sat on the stool instead. "Ah ah ah…that's my seat." Joe smile at Kel. "Up on the table." Kel humphed and got up plopping down on the table with like a scolded child. "Now let me see what you've done to yourself."

When Joe finally agreed that there was nothing more serious than some scrapes and bruises, Kel went to find Dixie. He needed; he wanted to apologize. He'd made a mess of the morning in more ways than he cared to think about. He saw her at her usual post, perched on a stool behind the nurse's station working on a chart. "Buy you a cup of coffee?" He asked softly. She looked up at him and nodded her head before going back to the chart. "Please, Dixie. I need to talk to you in private."

She laid down the pen and looked up into his eyes. "It's not necessary Dr. Brackett."

"Yes, yes it is." The corner of his lips twitched upward. "It's important." His eyes pleaded. Dixie gave in and rose from her seat. He placed his hand at the small of her back and led her down the hall. Before they got very far the doors to the ER swung open admitting several stretchers. Kel's eyes met Dixie's; in a glance they both knew the apologies from their hearts. There would be time to talk later. Right now they had lives to save; people to put back together. Right now they had to brush off the losses and find the courage to continue in the battle.

Kel's hand slipped from her back. Dixie looked up into his eyes with compassion, respect and understanding. They both turned to the incoming patients. "Take that one to three." She pointed and watched Kel follow the stretcher with a wave before she stepped up to the next gurney reaching for a wrist to get a pulse. "This one will be in four." She followed the gurney into the room. Dr. Early came in behind her. Nurse Betty would help Kel this time. She and Kel needed a break. They had a job to do. Distractions were not allowed in the treatment rooms. She smiled as her thoughts flitted to the orders she knew Kel would be giving as he fell back into the professional she knew he was. His words from earlier stung, but she also knew he hadn't really meant what he'd said. He was hurt and angry. Joe asked her to start an IV which drew her back to the present.

Dr. Kelly Brackett pushed open the treatment room door. He hesitated for a second when he realized it was the same room from earlier. There was no evidence of the struggle they had undergone to save the electrical worker. All the machines were pushed back in their place. The treatment table was freshly changed. He shook off the memory of what had transposed there earlier as the gurney passed in front of him. "Betty, get me some vitals please."

Betty looked at him for a second. He'd said please. That was unusual. She smiled. Dr. Brackett could be very demanding on his nurses even frightening some of the new nurses and candy stripers, but deep down she and many of the seasoned nurses knew he respected them. He knew the value of a good nurse. He knew he needed their assistance. He just barked a little when he was in the heat of the moment; when a patient was in trouble, which in the ER was most of the time. "Yes Doctor."

Kel looked at the nurse and smiled. "Thanks. Now sir, can you tell me what happened?"


End file.
